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Interpersonal Communication
Begins with the Self: An
Introduction to Intrapersonal
Communication 2 Willem Dijkstra/iStockphoto/Thinkstock Learning Objectives
In this chapter, readers will explore how our intrapersonal communication and who we are influences how we communicate with others. By the end of this chapter, readers will be able to
• Understand how communication is related to self-concept and define self-concept,
self-esteem, and self-image and how they are created
• Explain how biological sex and gender orientation shape our identity
• Understand how we can develop communication competence
• Define strategies for improving our intrapersonal communication Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 Introduction
Whenever you communicate with others, your view of the world and who you are as an individual influence the interpersonal interaction. If you are asked to tell someone about yourself, to
introduce who you are as an individual, what do you say? Try this short, simple exercise. Take
out a piece of paper and a pen or open a blank document on your computer and write “I am . . .”
Now set a timer for five minutes and complete this sentence by writing as many brief, different
descriptions of yourself as possible. Try not to think too much about each description; just jot
down what comes to mind.
When the five minutes are over, review the list of traits and characteristics you compiled. What
kinds of categories emerged? Did you list physical qualities such as biological sex, ethnicity, or
an aspect of your appearance (“I am tall”)? Did you include roles that you play, such as student,
accountant, or parent? Did you associate yourself with a group such as a religious affiliation, community organization, or sports team, or with a hobby or activity that you enjoy? Were any of your
descriptions about the relationships you have with others (“I am Carl’s girlfriend” or “I am Abby’s
father”)? Did you describe any of your personality characteristics, talents, or abilities? Did you
note an aspect of your online persona (“I am a food blogger”)?
As you will learn in this chapter, you create your own reality. Social scientists use many terms
such as self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem to describe your “self.” Intrapersonal communication refers to the internal communication within and to yourself. You communicate with
yourself in a number of ways, some of which are similar to the conversations you have with other
people. Your thoughts are a form of intrapersonal communication. You also communicate with
yourself when you send verbal messages to yourself, either out loud or silently. For instance, you
might congratulate yourself with a message such as, “Wow, I did a great job on that project,” or
scold yourself by saying, “I’m an idiot for doing that!” You also communicate by being a friend to
yourself with statements such as, “You need a break,” or by encouraging yourself with statements
like, “You can do this. I know it.”
Chapter 2 examines the conscious and unconscious factors that influence how you see yourself
and how you communicate with yourself. In this chapter, you will attempt to answer “Who am
I?” by exploring the terms self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem along with factors such as biological sex, gender orientation, online presentation of self, and communication competence that
influence your communication with yourself and with others. You will also learn ways to improve
your communication competence over your lifetime. 2.1 Communication and the Self-Concept
Consider again the exercise presented in the chapter introduction. The contents of this list differ
for every person and represent their unique self-concept. Self-concept can be defined as one’s
description or portrayal of him- or herself as a person, “based on an organized collection of
beliefs and feelings about oneself” (Myers, 1993, p. 188). Self-concept is comprised of the qualities
that are present in an individual (Bailey, 2003). The list that you created, which we will refer back
to throughout this chapter, shows that you have several components to your self-concept. These
components of “you” are shaped and altered by aspects of self-concept, including the lookingglass self, social comparisons, culture, and the self-fulfilling prophecy. Together, these components combine to create who you are and shape your self-concept over time. Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 How Self-Concept Is Created
Where does your concept of self come from? Most researchers believe that who you think you are
is a complex mix of how you see yourself; how others see you; what parents, teachers, and peers
have told you about yourself that you have recognized and internalized; and what your society
or culture tells you that you are or that you should be. For example, psychologist Michael Argyle
(1983) provided a summary of four key factors that contribute to development of self-concept:
• The reaction of others
• Your comparison with others
• The social roles you play in society
(e.g., I am a mother/father and a
teacher so I have to watch my language and behave in a certain way)
• The groups with which you identify
Your self-concept is learned; it is organized,
it is dynamic, and it is changeable over time
(Purkey, 1988). You construct this sense of
self through communication with yourself
and with others—by what you tell yourself
and what others tell you about yourself. In
other words, your self-concept is first externally imposed by others and then internally
incorporated in your thoughts, feelings,
actions, and communication.
When you were born, you had no clear concept of yourself. However, you expressed
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yourself by communicating with others ▲▲The social roles you play and the groups you identify with
through cries and other sounds, through can contribute to your self-concept.
facial expressions, and through bodily
actions such as grabbing a finger that was extended toward you. At some point you realized that
your behavior resulted in responses from others. You cried and received something to eat, or your
diaper was changed. Then your behavior became purposeful: You made that cry or that facial
expression because you had learned that doing so would elicit a response from others. You most
likely did not think through this action and reason “If I cry, I will be fed or changed,” but, at a conscious or unconscious level, you communicated because you wanted to achieve a specific goal.
As you matured, your behavior was more consciously planned to get your needs and desires met.
Throughout life, you have an infinite number of opportunities to express yourself and to interact
with people. These people may express opinions about your behavior by smiling or frowning at
you or by making verbal judgments about your behavior or appearance. “That baby sure cries a
lot, doesn’t he?” “You are a very pretty child.” “She is stubborn and willful.” “He plays well with
other children.” The opinions that other people express to you or about you affect you in ways you
might not realize. They influence the way you see yourself, the way you respond to difficulties in
life, and the way you interact with others.
Through your communication with others, with your words and your nonverbal behaviors, you
can influence the perceptions others have of you (Yeung & Martin, 2003). In fact, part of the Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 way you construct your self-concept is by choosing to accept or reject what other people tell you
about yourself. To grow and learn about yourself, you must be open-minded about other people’s
opinions. At the same time, you can also choose to disregard statements that others make about
you, if you do not think they are valid. For example, if someone judges you in a way that you do
not accept, try to respond by saying (to yourself or to someone else), “Thank you for your opinion.
That’s an interesting story, but it isn’t my story. It is not true for me.” How you evaluate your skills
and abilities, how you perceive objects and situations in the world, your values, your vocabulary,
and your ability to use language all influence how you communicate. Though self-concept is an
internal process, it is learned, maintained, and can change through interpersonal communication. Now, let’s look more at what contributes to our self-concept.
The Looking-Glass Self
Humans are social beings, and in the early twentieth century, American sociologist Charles
Horton Cooley believed that people always see themselves in relation to other people. Your sense
of self, he believed, is formed by imagining how you appear to other people. Cooley used the term
looking-glass self to describe this view of your self-concept, and the looking-glass self is the first
way that self-concept is created. He stated, “Each to each a looking-glass / Reflects the other that
doth pass” (Cooley, 1902, p. 152).
Cooley’s rhyme suggests that other people are like a looking glass, or a mirror, in which you can
view yourself from others’ perspectives. In other words, you are always considering how you look
to other people. You might have a specific person in mind that you want to impress, or you might
just have a general sense of “other people” and how they might judge you. In essence, we treat
others’ views of us as clues to who we are. These clues may be accurate or inaccurate, harmful or
beneficial, temporary or enduring, but they should not be automatic. Look back at the “Who am
I?” list that you created. How many of those descriptions are based on how you think others view
you? To what degree do these descriptions reflect how you view yourself?
When you see yourself in a mirror, or think about yourself, you may be pleased or displeased by
what you see, but not simply because it does or does not reflect who you want to be. You also
imagine how other people will judge you. This judgment creates a feeling in you such as pride or
embarrassment or humiliation. For example, in the presence of a person you think is beautiful,
you may feel ugly. In the presence of someone who seems to be less fashionable than you, you may
feel sophisticated and in vogue. According to Cooley (1902), you are most likely to be affected by
the judgments of people who have authority over you such as parents, teachers, and bosses.
You might argue that you, or someone you know, are not affected by what other people think.
However, when you say, “I am not ashamed” or “I don’t care about other people’s opinions,” that
does not mean that you have not considered them. In fact, to come to this decision, you had to
make a conscious choice to disregard the judgment of others. Instead of shame about an action
you took, for example, you might choose an attitude of apathy and not allow yourself to be bothered by the opinion of others, or you might even feel pride at disobeying the rules of society.
However, Cooley (1902) believed that the thoughts of other people are always there.
Social Comparison
According to social psychologist Leon Festinger’s (1954) social comparison theory, humans have
a fundamental impulse to evaluate their abilities and opinions. When there is no objective assessment such as a test or a numerical evaluation available, we rely on social comparisons and evaluate our abilities and opinions by comparing ourselves to other people. In particular, Festinger’s
(1954) theory specifies that this act of social comparison is more likely to occur in relation to a Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 particular group that is important or central to you in some way, called a reference group. The
results of these social comparisons—whether you conclude that you compare favorably or unfavorably to members of a group on a particular characteristic—is the second element that contributes to your self-concept. For example, you may think that you must have certain possessions
because others in your reference group have them, or you must communicate in a certain way to
fit in with a group you want to impress. Comparisons to certain reference groups can explain why
teenagers adopt the dress and the slang expressions of their peers.
Research has consistently found that individuals who compare themselves to images in different
forms of media such as magazine advertisements, television shows, and commercials also feel
dissatisfied with their own bodies (Nabi, 2009). Such findings support Festinger’s (1954) social
comparison theory. Online interactions are also a source of social comparison. For example,
one research study examined how the content of others’ social networking profiles could impact
users’ social comparison processes (Haferkamp &Kramer, 2011). Using fictitious social networking profiles, the researchers found that users who viewed profile pictures of individuals who
were very attractive had a more negative image of their own bodies than those who viewed unattractive profile photographs. When male participants viewed profiles of successful male users,
they perceived a larger discrepancy between their ideal and their current career paths compared
with men who viewed profiles of less successful males (Haferkamp & Kramer, 2011). It is thus
likely that the size and number of our reference groups will expand as use of social networking
increases, making social comparisons even more significant in shaping self-concept.
Culture
At the broadest level, the culture in which we are raised is a third source of self-concept. Culture,
as we discuss in greater detail in Chapter 3, is inherently interrelated with how we communicate.
The impact of culture is reflected in what others—including our parents, authority figures, peer
groups, and larger social structures such as the media and political parties and organizations—
tell us about ourselves. Culture also influences what its members consider socially significant.
For example, psychologist Bella DePaulo (2007) calls American cultural bias against individuals
who are not in romantic relationships “singlism,” and this prevailing cultural belief could make
individuals who are single feel as if they do not measure up to those who are in relationships, thus
contributing to a more negative self-concept. Because culture is such a major part of who we are,
it can also have an impact on self-concept.
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
Your interpretation of situations, as well as the messages that you use to describe them, can affect
your approach to particular situations and, subsequently, your behavior in these situations. Your
experiences condition you to see the world in a particular way, and such perceptions are difficult
to change. Thus, in a very real way, you create your own reality. You approach communication
encounters with certain expectations and, through your perception and your symbolic use of
language, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which you see what you expect to see and
hear what you expect to hear. For example, when college students enter a conflict interaction
expecting that it will be intense, they later report that it indeed involved a number of intense
components, including the use of personal attacks, and they experienced emotional upset and
subsequent interference with their day-to-day activities (DiPaola, Roloff, & Peters, 2010).
Health communication researchers also describe a self-fulfilling prophecy that can occur in
octor–patient interactions (Perloff, Bonder, Ray, Berlin Ray, & Siminoff, 2006): If a patient
d
believes that the doctor will not respect him or the questions that he asks, he is likely to make
fewer inquiries during an appointment. The doctor will then think the patient is not motivated Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 or interested in his health and will provide less information, or information that uses too much
confusing medical jargon. The doctor’s response affects the patient’s understanding, influences
the likelihood that he will follow treatment recommendations, and confirms his belief that the
doctor does not respect him and did not provide the best treatment. The best method for addressing such self-fulfilling prophecies is to keep in mind that your expectations about a person or
situation should not control how you communicate in an interaction. Self-Image
Self-concept, as you just learned, refers to your view of yourself in particular situations or with
respect to specific traits. Self-image, on the other hand, is a more general, broad view of yourself;
you might say that it is all the characteristics of your self-concept rolled into one complete picture
of yourself. Psychologist Dennis Coon (1994) defines self-image as “the total subjective perception of oneself, including an image of one’s body and impressions of one’s personality, capabilities, and so on” (p. 471). Your self-image is more permanent than your self-concept; it is the
combination of both your internal view of yourself and the evaluation of others, as well as your
physical appearance, and the integration of your experiences, desires, and feelings (Bailey, 2003).
For example, let’s say that when you were a child, you were laughed at when you tried to dance or
failed to catch a fly ball in a baseball game. So on the list of traits that make up your self concept,
which you created at the beginning of the chapter, you may have listed that you are a poor dancer
or are a bad baseball player. If you have many negative concepts such as these, you may form a
generally negative self-image of yourself as uncoordinated or unathletic.
Your self-image is formed and transformed, over time, again through your interactions and communication with other people, as you internalize what you learn about your strengths and weaknesses. This transformation, however, is very slow and gradual. You continually receive evaluative
messages from others about you and your abilities, and through this information you form a
mental image of your physical appearance, of your successes and failures, of your adequacy, and
of your worth. Self-image tends to be an either-or set of opposites. Either you think you are
pretty or you see yourself as ugly; you are smart or you are dumb. When you have a positive
self-image, you appreciate your assets and
your potential, while being realistic about
your imperfections and limitations. When
you have a negative self-image, you focus
on your faults and weaknesses, distorting
failures and imperfections and minimizing your successes and talents (Cleveland
Clinic, 2009). Remember, though, that you
can change your self-image by refusing to
accept or believe what others have told you. James Woodson/Photodisc/Thinkstock ▲▲How you think about yourself, at every age, affects your
physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being. It
can also influence your interactions with others. Body image is an important part of your
self-image. Your body image involves how
you think, feel, and respond to your physical attributes (Cleveland Clinic, 2009).
Research on body image is most prevalent with regard to women; however, men
have personal body image issues as well.
In recent years, diagnosed eating disorders Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 among men are on the rise, and steroid and supplement use to improve appearance or strength
has increased dramatically. These issues seem to be associated with men’s preoccupation with
their weight, their dissatisfaction with their bodies, poorer attitudes about health, and also the
growth of men’s fitness magazines (Tager, Good, & Morrison, 2006).
All societies have ideals for body image of both men and women, and these ideals are reflected in
the judgments of family and peers as well as in art, literature, and the media. Sports Illustrated
magazine’s annual swimsuit edition and People magazine’s annual “Sexiest Man Alive” list are
examples of how media promote ideals of female and male bodies. Research confirms this relationship: A meta-analysis found that, across 25 published experiments, the more females are
exposed to media messages that depict a thin body ideal, the lower their satisfaction with their
own bodies (Groesz, Levine, & Murnen, 2002).
Plastic surgery and body art such as tattoos are other ways in which some people choose to alter
their bodies in hopes of changing their self-image. Cosmetic surgery, once an activity that people
hid from others, is now performed at elite medical institutions (Elliott, 2004). According to the
American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (2013), Americans underwent over 10 million cosmetic medical procedures in 2012. Cosmetic procedures, particularly ones that are minimally
invasive such as injections and collagen fillers, also increased 87% from 2000 to 2011 (American
Society of Plastic Surgeons, 2012). Individuals also spent a staggering $11 billion for cosmetic procedures in 2012, striving for a “perfect look,” a figure that includes $6.7 billion for surgeries and
$4.3 billion on nonsurgical procedures such as injections and laser treatments (American Society
of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, 2013).
Self-image is important because how you think about yourself affects your physical, mental, social,
emotional, and spiritual well-being and how you respond to events in your life. Self-image can
also determine the quality of your relationships because you carry that self-image into all your
interpersonal interactions with others. Weight reduction and plastic surgery can be positive steps
to improving your view of yourself. However, your self-image is not what you look like but what
you tell yourself that you look like. Changing your exterior self also requires internal changes in
how you see yourself. Changing self-image takes time and work. It requires you to think and feel
differently about yourself, and it means you must alter how you respond to your body. People who
thought they were fat, for example, and lost a considerable amount of weight might continue to
think of themselves as fat, even if they would no longer be considered so by others.
Whatever image you now hold about yourself, your self-image is not permanently fixed. Selfimage can even shift in elderly individuals as their circumstances change. In one study of elderly
persons who had recently moved into a retirement home, this change impacted their self-image
in three ways: (1) They felt that their bodies, over which they now had less control compared to
when they were younger, had become less recognizable; (2) they experienced greater physical and
psychological fragility and less freedom to make decisions or come and go as they pleased; and
(3) they looked to small events, such as helping at mealtimes and looking at photographs of family, to provide them with inner strength and dignity (Franklin, Ternestedt, & Nordenfelt, 2006).
As you age, every stage of your life is thus associated with changes, but you can learn to accept
these changes and to develop a healthy view of yourself. If you have a negative self-image, you can
learn to develop a more accurate view of yourself (Cleveland Clinic, 2009). A positive self-image
begins by accepting and loving yourself and allowing yourself to be accepted and loved by others. The list below provides some strategies for improving your self-image suggested by a premier
medical facility, the Cleveland Clinic: Communication and the Self-Concept Chapter 2 • Review your self-concept list.
• Identify negative childhood labels.
• Challenge distorted thinking about yourself.
• Accept and love yourself as you are today.
• Refuse to accept media assumptions about the ideal body appearance.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Define some realistic personal goals and objectives about your self-image.
• Develop your strengths.
• Give yourself positive affirmations.
• Remember that you are unique.
• Learn to laugh and smile at yourself.
• Remember how far you have come. (Cleveland Clinic, 2009) Self-Esteem
Self-esteem consists of your broad sense of self-worth and the level of satisfaction you have with
yourself; it is how you evaluate and judge yourself (Crocker & Wolfe, 2001). A good self-image is
associated with increased self-esteem; a poor self-image often is linked to poor self-esteem, lack
of confidence, and insecurity. Some researchers argue that self-esteem is central to how we view
the world and to our quality of life, indicating the importance of this aspect of self (Crocker &
Wolfe, 2001). Although it is desirable to have high self-esteem, some individuals have such a high
opinion of their self-worth that they believe they are better, more deserving, or more special than
others. An inflated self-image or extremely high self-esteem can negatively impact your friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships. Researchers have found that people who
keep trying to prove their worth focus excessively on themselves and have less successful relationships (Park, Crocker, & Vohs, 2006).
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