Hi,

 

My professor commented on this essay. Please help me revise this essay, following the comments and the rubric. My professor is really strict on grading, but I need an A on this assignment. Please provide me a high-quality answer. Thank you so much.

 

This is the comments:

 

1. Make sure to format, capitalize, and present titles properly

2. You don't have a real thesis to this paper...you are just comparing and contrasting but to what end? Make this clear in the introduction. What are you ARGUING with your comparison of the two locations?

3. Avoid "in this essay" or "this essay will" type phrasing; this is wordy and unsophisticated

4. What is the purpose of "In the Ruins"? You just assume the reader knows.

5. You also assume the reader is familiar with the valley of ashes in the novel; give context

6. Always give authors' full names the first time you mention them; only after that may you go to last names only

7. This is pretty rough grammatically still...you leave out a lot of definite and indefinite articles throughout, have some verb conjugation errors, punctuation errors, etc.

8. Your use of "In Praise of Chain Stores" is abrupt and seems tacked on; make sure to give context for it and not assume your reader is familiar with it

 

Your ideas in the paper are pretty solid, but grammatically and in presentation things are still really rough with this draft. You also need to make it clear from the start what the overall purpose/argument of the essay is. Just so you have some idea, if this draft was submitted as is, it would fall into the C range...it needs quite a bit of reworking and revising.

 

This is the rubric:

 

1. I am huge on SHOWING your reader evidence, not just TELLING the reader things. Of course, you need to tell things, but then illustrate/back them up by SHOWING the reader specifics that he or she can "see," relate to, have an emotional connection with, etc. That was the purpose of that thing I had you do earlier in the semester when you went someplace and slowed yourself down to take notes on smaller details, then turned that set of notes into a chunk of writing that was not an essay, but was probably top heavy with specific, concrete details that the reader could lock on to. Not every single point you raise can be supported/illustrated in this way, but when you can, strive to give real life, specific examples that an anonymous reader who knows nothing about you, the situation you describe, or the readings can "see" very distinctly, similarly to how you do when you are thinking about things. You know what you are picturing...your job is to "paint the picture with words" for your reader, so the reader can "see" things as you do. This is an idea impressed on me strongly when I attended Mt. San Antonio College and had a professor who had us do this sort of thing in every class. It rubbed off on me.

2. One very influential professor I had at Cal Poly had the mantra of "SAY MORE ABOUT LESS, RATHER THAN LESS ABOUT MORE." That means rather than coming up with dozens of points to bring up that you don't say a whole lot about or that are not all that strong, even if they do apply, it's better to have a smaller number of really powerful, important points that you really hit your reader with strongly and impressively with. A lot of the papers read seem to take the approach of "if I blurt out enough things real quick, it shows I have a lot to say." That is not true...it makes the paper seem underdeveloped and weakens the individual points from having much impact. Figure out the handful of most important things that support your paper's thesis, and develop those ideas with meaningful commentary, analysis, discussion, and so on. Drown your reader's disbelief against what you are trying to argue in a few deep pools, rather than just pelt the reader with dozens of water balloons. Weird analogy, I know, but I hope that makes sense.

3. Speaking of your thesis...make sure every paper you write has an ARGUMENT of some type behind it. I think a lot of times people look at the prompts and just pick the one they think they can ramble the most on, and just sit down to type and do just that until they reach the length requirement, and then stop. Yeah, pick the topic you can say something on, but you have to also figure out something meaningful to say that matters to that anonymous reader I keep mentioning. Choose your topic, then figure out what you want to assert/argue/prove with your discussion...and what you figure out to assert cannot be something factual and common knowledge. For example, saying that female rappers have been less prominent in the world of rap than male rappers is not a very strong thesis. It's pretty much a factual statement that anyone with even barely any awareness of the genre of music (like me) probably knows or wouldn't argue against very much. A better possible thesis would be something along the lines of "Female rappers have been less prominent in the world of rap, but in recent years are gaining attention and credibility, mainly due to the influence of "Female Rapper A," "Female Rapper B," and "Female Rapper C," who have fought for their place and have opened doors for other female artists." That is a statement that makes an argument that three people are the keys to new acceptance, and argues the world of rap is changing. That paper would have more impact than the first because it has a complex, debatable thesis...a real ARGUMENT that is not simply rattling off of facts.

4. Grammatical correctness and flow are important. I do not have some formula where I see a grammatical or punctuation error and take away x number of points, but I do have to evaluate papers based upon their coherence, flow, and clarity. You can have all the great ideas in the world, but if your reader can't easily digest them, that doesn't do you very much good. I am always amazed at how many people submit papers that are LOADED with grammatical problems that the unthinking algorithms in Word had to have marked with a red, blue, or green line as potential problems, and yet remain uncorrected. And using Word to proofread for you should only be a starting point, not true editing. Things have to flow. Things need transitions between them. Sentences need to be complete. Clarity has to be present or else all the great ideas in the world are powerless. If you have problems being able to evaluate your own grammatical flow or correctness, try to get done with a paper EARLY and give yourself some time away from it...a day or two, if you can. That way you can go back to it and see it with new eyes that you can't use when you are buried in the pressures of getting it done in time. Have someone else you trust look at it and see if he or she can read it easily and clearly. Try reading it out loud to yourself...if it sounds funny to you, there could be a problem. Consult the Writing Center. Read your paper one sentence at a time, but from the end of the paper, backward to the start of the paper. All these things can help you spot grammatical problems you may not be able to spot otherwise.

5. Always make sure to use the readings and/or other sources significantly and meaningfully in your papers. They can be used as support for your ideas. They can be used as a starting point for your own analysis and commentary. If you disagree with an article, quote the stuff you disagree with and rip into it! Just USE the articles with meaning and purpose..don't just drop a quote in randomly here and there because you "have to." Incorporate it into your presentation and phrasing, and have a reason for it to be there, but make sure to do so. This is not just meant to be another hoop to jump through. Using sources establishes your credibility and shows you are not simply standing on a soap box yelling to the crowd...you have thought about this and considered others' views on the topic as well...it makes you appear more informed, more thoughtful, and more well rounded.

 

 

This are the article you will need:

 

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2005/09/12/in-the-ruins-2

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2006/12/in-praise-of-chain-stores/305400/

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