WC-1 Feedback for Amaraa Jargalsaikhan
Activities: 13 pts
● You can submit or revise activities until the Sunday before the essay is due.
Trial Composition: 0 pts
Ideas: ● Topic: UNICEF
● Good start, but I could not find your TS! Your assignment is to persuade your audience to support
your specific charity above any other. The TS should argue to support a specific charity, with a basic
reason to support this stance.
● Unfortunately, the essay contains plagiarized material.
● Length is good: 1002 words.
Support: ● Key ideas could be clearer; each paragraph should capture a reason to support your stance, and that
reason (key idea) should be clear in the topic sentence. Your topic sentences could also be improved.
Be sure they clearly state the one main idea of the paragraph.
● Always back up your claims and assertions with clear evidence and analysis. Follow the PIE structure
for best results (point/claim, information/evidence, explanation/analysis). Some of your development
just raises more questions, and most of it is vague. Not until the end do you bring up strong reasons to
support the charity, but that entire section is plagiarized!
● When you cite any outside work, you must include in-text citations and end citations. An essay
referring to outside sources without a Works Cited would also receive a zero. Do not copy word for
word from the internet and pass the material off as your own; that is plagiarism.
Organization: ● Paragraphing and overall organization could be improved. Each paragraph must have one main point.
See above regarding topic sentences; be sure to include transition words as well.
● The introduction is okay, but the conclusion is largely plagiarized and contains information that
should be in the body.
Mechanics: ● Style is somewhat clear; eliminate the second person and contractions.
● Work on sentence structure; some errors—see green highlighting: subject-verb agreement, pronounantecedent agreement, verb form.
GRAMMAR QUIZ: Pronoun-Antecedent Agreement, Verb Form
● Work on MLA format. Indent each paragraph by half an inch and remove space after paragraphs.
Also place a header with last name and page number in the top right corner of each page. You must
also include a Works Cited page!! See the RFW handbook.
Next Steps (Optional) Follow up on the aforementioned suggestions so you can begin your improvement process. Fill out E1, your Improvement Plan (handout), with 3 specific areas you can work on and the resources
available to help you with those areas. (E-1 is worth credit, but it is optional.) Optionally, after revising your paper, bring both drafts to a meeting with your instructor or to the
Writing Center and review them to see how your improvements went or to go over specific ways to
further improve your composition. Get your tutor or instructor’s signature on E-1. After you work on improving your trial composition, bearing in mind the specific recommendations
here, submit your improvement plan and revision as one document. Your revision is due April 30.

• 1493428091-JARGALSAIKHAN WC1 Graded.docx
• 1493428092-UNICEF.docx

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