• Please anwer the following questions: what you are learning about how to positively resolve conflicts
• your thoughts on the concepts in the reading
• how you might apply the concepts from the texts to your everyday conflicts
• examples and applications
• questions raised by what you read
• description of conflict(s) that occurred during the week and how you handled it
• description how you could use one or more of the concepts or skills from the reading to improve the outcome (or how you did use one of the concepts/skills that led to a positive outcome)

 

Use the reading below to supplement your answer:

 

Last week, we talked about reflective listening skills as one of the building blocks for resolving conflict. Here's the next one - assertion messages. And it's the exact opposite of reflective listening. With listening, your focus is on the other person, their thoughts, their feelings and NOT your reaction or opinion on what they said. With assertion, you're expressing your thoughts and feelings. Here's the definition from Neil Katz of Syracuse University (same guy I used to define reflective listening) for assertion skills:

Expressing your thoughts and feelings without infringing on another or damaging your relationship with him or her.

Most of us have a sender orientation to communication. That is, we focus on what we, as the sender of a message, mean to say. Here's a tip: instead, take a receiver orientation. Focus on how your message will be understood by the listener.When we are misunderstood (which often is the triggering event of a conflict) we often think the other person is at fault for not listening to us closely enough. Instead, take responsibility for the communication by ensuring that you state your message in a way that this particular person will understand your meaning. For example, when I tell my wife, "I'll meet you at the movies around 7" she understands that to mean absolutely no later than 7. If I truly mean around seven, then I need to use a receiver orientation and find a new way to say it.

Chapter 6 contains a number of tips on how to express yourself skillfully when in a conflict situation. The most direct and easiest to practice and learn is the I-Message (the authors call it the X-Y-Z statement). Listen to how an I-Message differs from a You-Message.

You-Message I-Message

You're incredibly rude cutting in front of me in line I believe I was next in line

You-Messages I-Messages

Put the focus on the other person Put the focus on you

Seldom mention your needs or feelings Describe your needs and feelings

Are blameful Are non-judgmental

So, here's the I-Message formula:

I feel .................. (your emotion)

When you ...........(the other's behavior)

Because..............(effect on you)

It's a simple formula. We have gone into 3rd grade classes and taught the exact same formula. Yes, it sounds stilted. Yes, it sounds canned. And yes, it sounds like you just learned it at some class. But it works. Not 100% of the time. But it works a heck of a lot more often than a you-message. It is a necessary skill to learn in conflict resolution - which means you need to practice it ... a lot.

Here are some rules about how to use each step - I-Message formula.pdf

Common mistakes in using formula:

Many of us don't identify our emotions well. For me, it always come out, I feel upset.Here's a set of emotion words that might help those of us who don't do the emotion thing all that well - Emotion words.pdfThe Because statement needs to state the effect on your life. Many people say something like "because everyone else thinks so" or "because it's a good idea." If the other person does something that bothers you, then state how it bothers you. 

 

2nd reading

 

Control your anger - until such time as you actually have to control it.

One of the key points from the chapter is that anger is a secondary emotion. When my wife is angry, I try dealing with her anger. But that's the wrong approach. The anger is secondary to a more primary emotion. Instead I should try to find out what's behind the anger. Is she hurt? Betrayed? Frustrated? All those are primary emotions that lead to the secondary emotion of anger. I then need to deal with that primary emotion. Let her express that feeling of frustration or hurt. Listen to her; validate her. The same works when I'm angry. I need to go a little deeper and figure out what my primary emotion is, so I can express and get it out.

Some guidelines about dealing with anger:

• Direct your anger at the target of your anger - This is the kick the dog syndrome. My boss yells at me; I yell at my wife, she yells at my son, and he kicks the dog. Express your anger to the right person.
• Keep your eye on the prize - Yelling at a coworker who took credit for something you did might feel good but the question to ask yourself is whether it gets you what you want. As my son went through his teen years, we often asked him when he was in the middle of a tirade on how mean we were as parents whether this was getting him what he wanted (going to a party over the weekend, for example). It's amazing how much better his negotiation skills were (and how often he was then able to talk us into letting him go) once he remembered his objective.
• Expressing your anger gives you a better sense of control over a situation - now the trick is to learn to express the anger in a skillful way, i.e., see next mini-lecture.
• Express anger once you've cooled down a bit.

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